


Game of Thrones Soccer

by Baz



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV), Game of Thrones RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:55:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21511861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baz/pseuds/Baz
Summary: A soccer match between Team Stark Vs Team Lannister.Who will win the Iron Trophy?Anything goes as our main characters fight, slice, gouge and massacre their way as they play the beautiful game. The most outrageous game of soccer yet!
Relationships: Cersei Lannister/Jaime Lannister
Kudos: 5





	Game of Thrones Soccer

AKA GAME OF THRONES FOOTBALL

AUTHOR’S NOTE: There is no continuity in this story. This is a parody. Most of the characters who died in the show are still alive. Anyway, this is not meant to be taken seriously.

Cue the HBO logo and the awesome opening titles…..

At King’s Landing Stadium, a football match between Team Stark VS Team Lannister was about to start.

Whoever wins gets the Iron trophy.

The seats were filled with Stark and Lannister fans (some fans decided to support Lannister in fear that the ghastly family will do something horrid to them.) Cersei sat in her throne wearing her usual smug look. Tywin was sitting next to her.

Sansa and Robyn were in their seats. Robyn was picking his nose and was flicking the boogies at random people. 

Hot Pie was in the audience serving hot pies and wine to everyone.

“Get you delicious wine and lovely pies. We’ve got programs, merchandise and this thing…….what ever it is…..”

He held up what looked like a coffee cup. It had “Starkbucks” written on it.

Team Stark consisted of Jon Snow, Sam, Ayra, Brienne, Jorah, The Hound, Hodor and Davos. Jon was team captain, and Hodor was the goalie.

Team Lannister consisted of Jaime, Tyrion, Joffrey, Ramsay Bolten (he was only playing to get on Cersei’s good side), Theon (whom Ramsay manipulated to play for them), Bronn, The Mountain and Podrick.

Jaime was team captain and The Mountain was the goalie.

In the Lannister changing room, Tyrion, as usual was drinking. He had finished his jug of wine, and was now moving onto his third. Jaime snatched the jug off him.

“Brother, that’s enough!”

“My naive sibling,” Tyrion replied. “I, as you know, have issues. So I drink, fuck and wank therefore I am. Now pass us the jug….”

Jaime was about to pour the wine onto the floor, until Tyrion went for the kill.

“You wouldn’t want me to tell everyone about you fucking Cersei, wouldn’t you?”

Jaime froze and gave the jug back to Tyrion, who drank away.

“Besides, how else would I calm the nerves.”

In the Stark Changing room, Jorah was proud of his get up. Each team wore traditional shirts and shorts, but in a Game of Thrones way. Team Star wore black and Lannister wore red.

“I wish my Khaleesi could see me now,” sighed Jorah. 

Davos chucked an apple at him and it bounced off his head.

“Would you fuck up about ‘Khaleesi’! That’s all we hear! ‘Khaleesi’ this! ‘Khaleesi’ that! I’m fuckin' sick of it!”

Ayra and Brienne had a changing room of their own.

Littlefinger was making his way down to catch a peek at them.

He made his way to a small area where there was a peep hole. Littlefinger peeked through and saw what appeared to be a vagina. 

Littlefinger then began to masturbate as he looked at the vagina. But as he looked closely, the body was not curvy. Infact, it looked like a man's body. Littlefinger gagged as he saw who the body belonged to...

Theon Greyjoy! He had to go to the women's changing room because he had no knob.

"OI, CUNT!"

The Hound stopped Littlefinger dead in his tracks.

“Are you in the match?” The Hound asked the pervert.

“No, but I just want to see if the girls need anything,” lied Littlefinger.

The Hound pointed his dagger at him.

“You’ll be needing a doctor if you don’t fuck off!” snapped the Hound.

“Fair enough,” replied Littlefinger as he ran off.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Now Reek, you better win us this game, for something terrible will happen to you,” Ramsay told Theon. “You’ll lose more body parts.”

Theon nodded.

“Yes….”

  
  
  
  


As everyone placed their bets, many football fans were pestering Bran, since he knew who was going to win. 

“No, that’ll be cheating.”

As the betters pestered him more and more, he just smiled and said to them…

“Although, I can see how all of you die.”

The betters went quiet and then walked away. Leaving behind a smiling Bran. He knew who was going to win.

  
  
  
  
  


With everyone in their gear, the teams made their way into the stadium. They were all greeted by applause. But the audience were a tad drunk anyway. Not so far from your average football match.

Drunken Tyrion was standing in front of his team. He was making his speech. 

“Gentlemen, as you know, I despise the Lannister name, especially you, Joffrey. But then everyone hates you. You're a cunt, and always will be…”

Joffrey gave him a death glare.

“But,” continued Tyrion. “I love the beautiful game as much as I love my wine and women. So I will say this…….Go BLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”

Tyrion then projectile vomited all over Team Lannister, except for Pod. The team were soaked head to toe. The audience groaned in disgust. Tywin didn’t looked surprised. He always hated his son. 

After vomiting for a good 3 minutes, Tyrion was finished. 

“Where was I?” he said to himself. “Oh yes…….GO TEAM!”

The vomited soaked team just stared at him.

As they got cleaned up with towels, Cersei gave a flirtatious look at Jaime, who then smiled back.

“There’s something going on between those two,” said an audience member.

"Aye, them two are fucking," replied another.

The Mountain made his way into the goal. He was big enough so that Team Stark couldn’t get the ball past him. Hodor was a good match and size for him.

  
  


As Jon and Jaime faced each other for kick off, Jon gagged at the vomit smell coming from Jaime. 

“I know,” sighed Jaime.

"Oi, Jon, you fuckin' bastard!" jeered a heckler. 

Cersei had payed several hecklers to annoy Jon, but he was so used to it by now, that he didn't care.

The referee blew his whistle and Jaime kicked the ball away and passed over to Pod. But he missed and it went over to Sam.

“I’ve got the ball, I’ve got the ball!” he cried with delight, but his delight didn’t last long as Joffrey tripped him and he fell to the ground. 

Now unlike any football match, tripping or hurting someone is unacceptable. But this is Game of Thrones Football. So fighting and death are allowed.

Joffrey gave Sam a dirty grin and made his way to the Stark’s goal. 

Ayra then stole the ball off him and ran to the Lannister’s goal. She kicked the ball, but the Mountain hit it with his hand and it flew back to the pitch.

Ayra was frustrated but was glad that the ball went over to Brienne. She made her way past the other Lannisters, but the ball was stolen by Jaime.

“Hard luck, my lady,” he replied as he kicked the ball over to Bronn.

Bronn then kicked the ball into Team Stark’s goal. Hodor got scared and the ball flew past him and into the goal.

Lannister 1.

Stark 0.

Cersei smirked.

Joffrey burst out laughing at Hodor.

Just then, a massive tidal of urine hit him in the face. 

It was Tyrion.

“I’m sorry, I needed to wee badly.”

The audience groaned in disgust and so did Tywin.

After a good 2 minute of weeing, Tyrion looked at the audience.

“MY LORDS, LADIES AND YOUR GRACE! I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE!”

Everyone went silent as they looked at him.

"I am fucked," said Tyrion.

And then….

He fell to the ground, flat on his face.

The medic ran up to him.

“He’s out for the count.”

Team Lannister groaned. They may have a point, but they lost a team member.

As medics took Tyrion away on a stretcher, he winked at Pod. 

The medics brought Tyrion into the changing room were Lord Varys was waiting.

“That worked like a charm,” Varys told him.

Tyrion smiled as he got off the stretcher.

Varys then handed him yet another jug of wine. 

Tyrion had actually put a massive bet on for Team Stark. 

“Come my testicle-impaired friend,” he told Varys. “Let us watch from the highest balcony and support the Starks. And secretly spit on my father.”

“Sounds wonderful,” replied Varys.

  
  
  
  
  


Back in the match, The Hound passed the ball to Brienne. She smiled at him as she made his way over to Lannister’s goal. Joffrey was running up behind her. 

“Women can’t play football,” he sneered. “Women are fucking useless…..”

His taunts didn’t bother her. She’s heard it all before. 

“Women are only good for cleaning, cooking and fuck……..”

TRIP! Ayra tripped up Joffrey and he fell to the ground.

Ayra then pulled out Needle and Joffrey whimpered.

“Don’t kill me………,” he said.

“I’m not going to kill you,” said Ayra.

She whacked him in the face several times with Needle. Many scratched appeared. The audience all burst out laughing. Cersei was trying hard not to laugh, but had to put on a sympathetic face to pretend that she cared. 

Even Tywin found it hilarious. 

“Mercy!” cried Joffrey.

Brienne then made her way to the Lannister’s goal and kicked the ball. It flew past between The Mountain’s legs and made it into the goal.

Stark 1

Lannister 1

The audience cheered. But Cersei looked annoyed. The Mountain looked at The Hound, who gave him a dirty look.

Ramsay noticed Pod was smiling. He grabbed Pod and shoved him against a wall.

“You’re trying to lose on purpose! AREN’T YOU!” snapped Ramsay.

Pod stammered.

“Listen here, you cunt! If we lose, you’ll end up like Reek!” snapped Ramsay as he punched Pod in the stomach. 

As Ramsay walked away, Pod caught his breath and looked at Theon, who felt sorry for him. 

But Pod noticed Theon had something shiny in his hand.

Theon gave Pod a small smile and they went back to the match.

Theon stood behind Ramsay and then pulled out a knife and wrapped his arm around Ramsay’s neck.

“Reek! What are you doing?” 

Ayra then ran past Pod and handed him Needle. 

Pod then took Needle and stabbed Ramsay in the chest with it. 

The audience cheered as Ramsay fell into a pool of blood. 

Tyrion and Varys cheered from the highest balcony.

“Good boy, Pod!”

Cersei looked up at Tyrion, who just gave her a smile and drank away.

Joffrey knew what he had to do. He had a dagger hidden in his hand. He was going to chuck it at Hodor. No goalie big enough to fit the goal. It’ll be an easy win. 

He secretly made his way to the goal and stood in front of Hodor. Then he spun around.

“Hey stupid! Think fast!”

He was about to chuck his dagger at Hodor, but something very bad happened to Joffrey. 

A massive pile of shit came from the sky and landed on top of him. The audience gasped and then they looked up. 

They saw Daenerys Targaryen on her massive dragon flying above the stadium. 

They all cheered. 

“My Khaleesi!” cried Jorah in delight. 

The audience groaned as they chucked pies, veg and popcorn at him.

They had corn in Game of Throne didn’t they?

The dragon took Daenerys to her seat above the stadium. She smiled at Team Stark.

Joffrey was still stuck in the mountain of shit. 

“Help! HEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!”

The audience laughed. Then two servants pulled him out. Everyone gagged at the smell. 

“I don’t want to play anymore!” snapped Joffrey. 

As the medics put Joffrey on the stretcher, the evil bastard pulled out his crossbow and shot an arrow at Davos’ leg. He howled in pain. Joffrey laughed evilly as the medics took him away.

Team Stark looked at Davos.

“My leg……..” he cried. “I can’t…….”

“It’s alright,” said Jon. “As your Team Captain, I must rest.”

“I don’t want to let the team down,” replied Davos. 

“You didn’t,” said Jon. 

As this was going on, The Mountain pulled out his massive sword and chucked it at Team Stark. 

“Look out!” cried Jorah. 

Team Stark ran out of the sword’s way, but Jorah was too late. 

He howled in pain as his leg was taken clean off. Blood sprayed everywhere. 

“No………….I failed my Khaleesi………”

“No you didn’t,” said Davos. 

The Hound looked at The Mountain who just stared back at him. 

Jorah and Davos were out of the game.

“Now you know how I feel,” Jaime said to Jorah, as he showed him his golden hand.

With only 5 in Team Lannister, and 6 in Team Stark, and worse of all, only 5 minutes to go…

Doesn’t time fly?

It was time to take care of business and play dirty. Jaime took off his golden hand and replaced it with a golden sword. Brienne pulled out her sword and was ready for battle.

“May the best man win,” she said to Jaime as they both clashed swords together. 

Meanwhile, Team Stark tried to figure out what to do in their moment of need.

“I’ll take care of my brother,” said The Hound, who then looked at Ayra. “I might need help.”

“STREAKER!” shouted an audience member.

But it wasn’t a streaker, it was a man doing the Walk of Shame. The game had to be paused until the Walk of Shame walked across the stadium.

“Shame, shame, shame,” said the nun walking behind the man.

Everyone waited patiently as the Walk of Shame took forever to get across the pitch. And there was only 3 minutes to go.

Finally the Walk of Shame left the pitch and it was the big finale.

Jaime and Brienne fought, whilst Jon and Sam fought against Bronn for the ball. Theon and Pod stood there watching. 

“C’mon, you fuckwits, help me,” snapped Bronn.

“Erm, I think you’ve got this,” replied Pod. 

The Hound ran over to the Mountain.

They both pulled out their swords and began to clash. The Mountain was still at the goal refusing to move. 

Bronn stole the ball off Jon and Sam and kicked into the Stark’s goal. But as the ball flew over to Hodor, a miracle happened. 

Hodor punched the ball really hard and it flew over to Jaime’s head. 

It hit him on the head distracting him. Brienne pulled off Jaime’s sword and threw it across the pitch. Brienne pointed her sword at Jaime’s neck. 

“I yield,” replied Jaime. 

Brienne put her sword away and ran over to the ball. She needed to kick it into the Lannister’s goal with the Mountain distracted. 

She kicked it, but the Mountain whacked it away with his hand. Brienne was frustrated and there was only a minute to go. 

The Mountain knocked the Hound’s sword away from him and was about to behead him.

“Oi,” screamed a voice. 

The Mountain looked up and was shocked. 

There appeared to be TWO Briennes of Tarth!

He was confused. 

And in his confusion, he let his guard down.

“NOW SAM!” cried Jon.

Sam kicked the ball into the goal and…….

TEAM STARK WON!!!

The audience cheered and so did Tyrion and Varys.

“This calls for a drink,” said Tyrion.

Team Stark hugged each other. 

But where did the other Brienne come from?

The other Brienne placed her hand on her face and peeled it off.

It was Ayra in disguise. And she was on stilts. 

Team Lannister were defeated, but they just looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. 

But Cersei was having none of it!

“THEY CHEATED!” she cried.

There silence. 

“They used the Three Eyed Raven to control them and make them win!”

She walked over to Bran with an evil smile. 

“That trophy is mine,” she sneered.

“You're forgetting one thing, your grace,” said Bran. “I couldn’t have made them do what I controlled them to do, because…….”

Bran put his hand on his face and peeled it off to reveal that……

It was Jaqen H’ghar, the faceless man in disguise!

The audience gasped.

“Was that a twist or am I seeing things due to the amount of booze I drank?” asked Tyrion. 

“But, but………,” protested Cersei.

“I’m sorry, your grace, but you lost,” replied Jaqen.

Cersei was just too angry for words as she just stormed off. 

Team Stark were awarded with the Iron trophy. 

Jorah’s leg was sewed back on and he joined his friends for the big drunken celebration. Tyrion was invited too of course, when there booze or women, he is not far away. 

Cersei wept in her quarters. She had lost, but fortunately, Jaime comforted her, in more ways than one. 

Meanwhile, Joffrey needed a very big bath, and the smell took forever to come off. 

THE END

Here's what Peter Venkman has to say about Theon Greyjoy:  
  
  
  
"Yes, it's true. This man has no dick."  
  
  
  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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